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Merry Mythmas...
...and a most Happy Jew Year!
So,--
Have,--
A,--
'Nother look,-- at the Army that
Wrote the Book,-- take the Path that you
Should've took-- and you'll be
On your way!
Get, up, and, wipe-off-that-chin,
You can begin, to have a
Whole new oth-er life,--
Soldj'ring for Christ,
Reas'nably priced,--
And nobody's missing
The Kids or th' Wife! So,
Here's the Drill,
Take the Quill,
Sign on the Line or any-
Where you will,
There's Heretics a-plenty and a
License to kill, if your're a
Brother in the S. of J.!"---Thomas Pynchon, Mason & Dixon
I wish you the happiest of holidays, Dear Readers, and I'm sure that by now most of you have opened your hastily-purchased and likely unwanted presents, exchanged obligatory, superficial cordialities with those you really have little or no desire to see and have descended rather quickly into innocuous smalltalk, socially-sanctioned drug use (some folks call it "drinkin'") and passive participation in the drug-enhanced athletic achievements of our youth's mentally substandard, amoral, petulant and radically overpaid role models.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::
In short, I'm sure most of you are celebrating the Winter Solstice in the usual way, gathered together with kith (if you're lucky) and kin (if you're not) and/or kin-in-law (if you've done something to earn access to the fires of hell) pretending you want to be there--perhaps feeling bad about yourself because you don't--and otherwise enjoying all the riches that our decaying American Empire has to offer: rampant consumerism, cultural superficiality, intellectual poverty, and the collected set of fairy tales that together comprise the majority of our so-called spiritual lives.
YummmmmmmY! What a great and admirable way to mark the passage of time and to stake out our place in History, don'tcha think?! By engendering neither peace, nor love, nor good will towards man, and by pretending--let us not forget!--to keep Jesus H. "Fucking" Christ in Christmas?
I agree whole-heartedly! What a nifty idea!!
And therefore, with the degree of warm-heartedness to which One and All have grown accustomed, Your Heroic Hagiographer would like to propose a toast appropriate to the season as it now exists . . . a toast to honor this remarkable accomplishment which stands at the end of 6000 years of recorded history, an accomplishment of which we are understandably and justifiably proud . . . a toast to the childlike, incomprehensibly STOOOPID beliefs of the Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, Wiccans and adherents of 4000+ other irrational cults whose memberships thankfully continue to degrade with the growth of meaningful, useful knowledge of the world around us (with no small measure of relief, we note that the third largest 'belief' group in the world, after Christ-insanity's 2.1 billion and B.S.-lam's 1.5 billion is "Secular/Non-religious/Agnostic/Atheist," currently at 1.1 billion and growing). So please, lift your glasses with me . . . .
*the PseudoLatino raises his half-full glass and addresses the assemblage*
"My dearest Religious Believers of all stripes . . . as we gather together to celebrate the passage of yet another year and the renewal of our Hopes and Dreams, Your One True PseudoLatino wishes for each of you that the law-abiding Causalities of good ol' Mother Nature may unfold in a manner you find desirable and that you can continue, hysterically and erroneously, to label as "blessings" and "miracles" and "god's will" because you are, in point of fact, too butt-fuckingly ignorant to understand the universe in a more complex and factual way and because without the salvific of superstition you are too shallow, unimaginative, and cowardly to face the existential void and discover meaning therein . . . or to motivate yourselves to act . . . or to find love . . . or to discern the moral course of action . . . or, apparently, to do much more than wipe your asses;
"May you continue to misunderstand and pervert the teachings of your Prophets and Holymen--both real and imagined; May your irrational self-delusions and self-righteous ignorance continue to support your smug, groundless sense of spiritual superiority and the laughable belief that you, unlike the majority of mankind, are a follower of The One Truth (be it also the Way and the Life, or some other);
*lowering His glass to waist level, the PL takes a breath before continuing, somberly...*
"May your missionaries--each and every one--die horrible, painful, protracted deaths trying to proselytize their version of this Truth to those who have neither asked for it nor need it; May your clergies continue to extort tithes and submission from those in the world too poor and uneducated to resist them or, alternatively, may your cash-infused, ideologically vacant, suburban American, evangelistic mega-church leaderships continue to derive incalculable wealth from the fact that you are too fucking stupid to know that they are scheisters and con-men;
"May a local Priest sodomize your youngest Catholic child in God's name; May your younger sister contract HIV from an African boyfriend who didn't wear a condom because the Pope, cowering in fear inside his Pope-mobile, said it was a sin; May an Imam encourage your Muslim wife to wear a C4 strap on and rid the world of a few more evil American, or Sunni, or Shiite, or Jewish, or other infidel schoolchildren;
*with a special look towards His Horror Flick-loving friends, and a twinkle in His eye, he continues...*
"May you be invited to the World Premiere of Michael Bay's newest Zillion Dollar Blockbuster Jesus vs Mohammed: Requiem -- This Xmas There Will Be No Peace On Earth (based on a true story) and find yourself able, despite your clear mental handicaps, to recognize its ham-fisted attempts at metaphor;
*taking a breath, and watching a few in the assembly begin to squirm angrily, the PseudoLatino again raises His glass high...*
"May the pugnacious, war-mongering Israel continue to oppress the Palestinians living within "her" borders (yes, yes, we know . . . despite historical facts, there is no such thing as "Palestine," much less a "Palestinian," so how can the Israelis oppress one?) and disappear forever into the sea while those previously-mentioned American evangelicals cheer them on from the sidelines in the name of the Holy Babble's Book of Stupid Fucking Revelations; however--and this is important--may Israel remain protected from this disappearance until after she has managed to nuke The Rest of The Brown Ones (who are, after all, stubbornly getting in the way of various promises made by that immoral, violent dumbfuck of a hebrew god for the last, ohhhhhh, 6000 years or so) and give birth to at least one generation of three-legged, psionically-enhanced super Jew-babies--said Jew-babies being necessary to provide additional fodder for attempts, from the evangelical peanut gallery, at "learned" scriptural exegesis and interpretation of texts which were, after all, written by superstitious idiots in the first place;
*smiling, Your Host puts his nose down below the rim of the glass and breathes deeply, closing his eyes, pausing to savor the bouquet . . . after a moment he looks once again out into the crowd*
"And in general . . . may you all continue to base your politics, your wars, your child-rearing, your morality and your sad, spiritually impoverished little lives on hand-me-down, second- and third-hand fictions evolved from countless pre-existing cultures, passed down and parroted with unquestioned reverence from, and to, societies of uneducated, superstitious people who believed that their lives were charted by the alignment of stars and their illnesses caused by demons, who believed that bloodline determined human worth, who thought that an eclipse was a portent and a rainbow a miracle, who believed they saw the Virgin Mary in a piece of French Fucking Toast (or a tree, or a piece of coral, or in Britney Spear's stretch marks . . . oh wait! That's what real people think TODAY!!!), who believed that thousands of their innocent neighbors were witches, and killed them for it . . . from various peoples who, basically, had less understanding of the natural world than today's bottom-of-the-barrel third-grader.
*...and with a final flourish, He concludes...*
"Here's to your Religious Beliefs--moronic, one and all--and to the endlessly entertaining fanaticism and gullibility they engender and require (respectively, of course). It was of, though perhaps not to, those who hold such beliefs that the Great Secular Prophet Phineas T. Barnum so famously spoke:
" 'There's a sucker born every minute.'1"
*...looking around the room, meeting the eye of each and every guest, Our Hero drinks deeply, lowers His glass, and takes His seat*
And with that, my friends, I'm off to finish my drink, pour another one (or two, or three), and find something--anything--better to do than watch sports on television with other idiots who watch sports on television (yes. It's true. ALL people who regularly watch sports on television are fucking idiots. And that means you, IF you watch sports on television).
Hmmmmm . . . what can I do instead? Maybe I can go write something for my blog?!
Yeah. That sounds like just the ticket.
Hasta la vista, Baby,
---the Very Merry PseudoLatino
(1) Since P.T. Barnum never said any such thing, attributing it to him and accepting it as gospel is, uhhhhh, let's say it's just a weeeeee tad apt in this context.
Posted by earwicker at December 25, 2007 11:59 PM